A Useful Tool for Writers

The most useful tool a writer uses is—of course—a pillow. A good, fluffy pillow serves two purposes.

First, when placed on a table it softens the blow when banging out writer’s block from your brain. My pillow has prevented numerous concussions over the years, not to mention limit the red welts across my forehead.

Second, and most importantly, the clever writer has a pillow on hand at all times to...NO! Not nap. A good writer will doze off anywhere, anytime, and on anything including; couches, office chairs, desktops, library tables, bathtubs, busses, behind the wheel, garbage dumpsters. Okay, I threw the last two in there to see if you were paying attention. This writer does not recommend sleeping at the wheel or in a garbage dumpster. Back to the point. The educated writer often uses a pillow to whack things.

Just the other day when revising chapter one of my book The Toupeed Eagle I stopped halfway through and yelled, “This is GARBAGE!” It was then that the sun’s rays seeped through the cracked blinds and cast a golden spotlight onto my pillow, encouraging—almost begging me to pick it up and use it. Feathers went flying! My pencil, paper, and laptop will never be the same. But boy did they learn a good lesson. We’ll see if they let ol’ EJ down again. I have a feeling my pencil, paper, and laptop wish to avoid any future pillow fights from now on.

So while other writers and authors will brainwash you into thinking a Dictionary or even a Thesaurus is the most important tool a writer can use, I’m here to tell you differently. If you only have room in your carrier for one item, leave the Dictionary and the Thesaurus on the shelf. I never start a writing session without my pillow and I recommend you do the same. For the well-educated writer, a pillow is therapy held in a blue and green Yoda pillowcase. Also, when the words seem to flow better on a subconscious level, just whip out your pillow and you’re good to go.

Laziness in Today's Writing

I’m going to start my first post off on a negative vibe...YIPEE! Wait a minute. A blog is supposed to attract readers, not turn them away. Who in today’s world wants to spend a few minutes of their day being scolded? Well, let’s face it. This is a first post. Nobody ever reads a blog’s first post. I could write a paragraph on the fine art of nose hair trimming and nobody would be offended. Well, maybe my mother would be. She’s the only person who may give this a glance. Then she’d realize I’ve seen her shove both a clipper and an electric razor up her nostrils on more than one occasion. But enough about my dear old mother.

What I’d like to rant about is the English language. Or more precisely, how it has been neglected over the years. In fact, several misuses irk me and stick in my craw (what is a craw anyway? Somebody look it up and tell me). First, to any of my readers (mom), please don’t take this personal. You probably aren’t guilty of any of the following. Excuse me while I sneeze...Kachooyeahright!

I hate text and chat abbreviations. I hate them so much I never use them. Almost hate them as much as I hate bending my big toe nail on the bottom of the door (LOL). It’s the lazy man’s—or woman’s way to type. BTW that is not how we were taught to write in school. If you want to express “Merry Christmas” to an Australian friend, take the extra few seconds to type out the entire phrase. Oops! That reminds me. Forgot to wish my best mate Rory happy holidays. Better late than never. MC M8!

Far too often, I’m enjoying a post on a forum or a text message from my nieces and nephew from Florida when all of a sudden my eyes squint. My well-versed, straight A’s in English class brain can’t comprehend what they’re saying. I mean, What up wit’ dat? Here’s an example. Okay is spelled Okay, even OK—not K! Understand? K!—let’s move on.

Here’s another example. When George Lucas created SW, I’m sure he never envisioned Obi Wan or Luke saying “M-T-F-B-W-U”. Nobody would understand that. So why do I constantly see people signing off with that? K, fine, I only see dorks like me ending an e-mail or signing off on a post with May the Force be with you. But I at least spell it out correctly.

Hey, that was a great example. N1—Give yourself a pat on the back EJ!

K, ENUF with the text abb. Another thing I can’t stand is how people—well-educated people mind you—have become so lazy they can’t capitalize a letter in the beginning of a sentence. Worse yet...they can’t speel correctly. Or they forget an apostrofe in a contracsion like won’t or cant. Doesnt anybody proofreed anymoor? Hello! Did mrs. Booth’s English and Spelling lessons in grade school fall on deaf ears people? Was she being paid for talking to a wall? And PLZ don’t forget your punctuation. if you ask a question then end the sentence with a question mark? PLZ! ENUF said. NE1 have questions. Good, I need to hook up wit’ my peeps for dinner All this grammer is getting to me. PM me if you want a crash course on blogging and texting the old fashioned and proper way. I fear the youth of the world will soon be speaking a whole new language if this laziness continues.

OMG, I almost forgot to sign off.

MTFBWU.

EJ Sivad